It works! I finally invented something that works!

A database I've been struggling with. But enough about work.

Run Forrest!

This weekend I mostly watched films. I managed to get 2 loads of washing done, and I tidied the flat a bit. Sadly, other than that, I achieved nothing. However, there was plenty of time to reflect, and I've decided to become remarkably stupid, yet good-natured. This way, I'll become the head of a large shrimping corporation, and I'll be able to mow lawns forever. Hopefully, they'll also award me the Congressional Medal of Hono(u)r for being able to pick things up and run with them while being napalmed.

The alternative is getting a job as a school teacher and teaching nice jazz to 7 year olds, and winning the 'battle of the combos' competition. They could make a film about it, 'School of Jazz', they'd call it.

I think I need to draw inspiration from somewhere other than Hollywood films. The problem is, the only other films we have are Almodovar films, so if that's where I want to go, I'll end up a cross-dressing lunatic with an unsigned film script, a penchant for buggery, a shady childhood and an unrequited lust for my closest female friend, despite the fact that she and I are pursuing the same man. And a much more convincing Spanish accent than I currently have.

Schoolteacher it is. Wish me luck.

And now, the end (of the week) is near

And so we face, the final afternoon...

I love weekends. And this weekend I am going to do something useful and productive. Yes, I am. I'll not spend the whole weekend drunk or in front of the playstation, no sir. I'm going to make something of this weekend. Damn right.

Any ideas? No?

Too young to hold on...

This morning Jeff Buckley made me cry. Again. I suppose that's what he's for. Pity he's not such a good swimmer really.

Goodbye, goodbye...

This morning I was blocked from getting onto my train by two people who stood there for fully five minutes. Rather than turn this into a rant about how rude people are in London, I walked round and took another door. She was Spanish, he English I think. She was headed for Gatwick, and he for Hampstead, or Ealing, or somewhere. She wept, and I think he wept too, which was terribly unenglish. In just over four weeks, it'll be my turn, probably at Grand Central Station in New York, so at least the surroundings will be more impressive than Kings Cross Thameslink. I'm dreading it already. I just hope I manage to not think about it enough to enjoy the time I have over there.

Notice of disconnection of supply and legal proceedings

Dear Sir/Madam,

You have not responded to our previous letter (what previous letter!?) regarding your outstanding debt of £869.19. (Outstanding? It's bloody amazing!)....

As it turns out, Emeka, our hairdressing friend from downstairs, left with some debts to pay. The landlord has some drycleaning plan for the shop, but he'll need to settle the bills first. Anyone who has seen the film 'The Man Who Wasn't There' knows what a dangerous business drycleaning can be. Though if it ends with Scarlett Johansson forcing herself upon you in a car, then it's not so bad. Good luck, Mr Patel!

Happy Birthday Jean!

My grandmother turns 80 in a few weeks, and this weekend we all got together to celebrate. It was a very civilised meal in a nice place in Rutland, and there were representatives of all the families there (in a slightly Mafia way). My grandmother sat at the head of the table, grimacing and smoking a cigar, while my dad and my uncle sat either side of her, sporting semi-automatic weapons. No, really.

Ok, perhaps not. But there were lots of my family there, and it was a great opportunity to catch up. Later that evening, after an impromptu visit to a late-night garage on a journey home that saw me lying very comfortably in the boot, my father made some very strong Irish coffee, and then the family disappeared to bed one by one, until my cousins Peter and William and I were the only ones remaining. We watched much 'invader zim' and then decided we were making far too much noise, so we disappeared to the garage for a while. When Peter started phoning William's friends at random, (by this time it was 3.30. 'I didn't wake you did I?') it started getting thoroughly wierd. We went to bed shortly afterwards. Family are so much fun.

The other side

Having berated people for not talking to me, I found myself in another position entirely yesterday evening, in The Cardinal in Victoria. A friend, Ben, and I were sharing a few drinks at the bar and a man began hovering behind us. He was quite tall, gangly perhaps, and had thick NHS style glasses, though they obviously weren't actual NHS glasses, more 'NHS chic'. Ben and I continued to chat, and he continued to hover, until, staring intently at the bar, he shoved his head into the space directly between Ben and me. We stopped talking. After a few seconds, the man, a very drunk Australian, explained. He was having difficulty reading the names of the beers at the bar.

Recovering quickly from the wierdness of the situation, Ben and I retired to a table, where we dined. Later, Ben encountered said Australian. By this time, not only was he having difficulty reading, he was also having some difficulty standing, from Ben's report. Maybe alcohol has its place as a social lubricant. Maybe in the chip shop on Wednesday I should have bought everyone a beer.

In complete contradiction to Monday's post...

I'm now posting twice a day - but it's a short one. My review went very well, and for those of you to whom I can be indiscreet, I'll say more in person. I'm very happy, and liable to be hung over in the morning, if just a little.

Space invaders

I have given up on invading space for entertainment. I have a new human behaviour study. It involves talking to people when they don't expect it.

Yesterday evening I wandered into a chip shop and asked 'So, which end do I queue at?'. Silence. I was tempted to jump the queue forcibly to see if anyone would talk to me then. Or possibly even poke someone in the ribs until they said something, a la Fight Club, where they try to start fights with random members of the public.

If anyone has any suggestions for places where people don't talk to each other, I'd be glad to talk to people there and tell you my findings. I draw the line at between cubicles in public lavatories.

Madam, we must have waffles!

"We must all have waffles forthwith! We must think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and everyone of us to the best of his ability..."

I shall now devote the rest of the day to thinking, without the aid of a waffle.

Behaviour on the tube

I worry about people. Including me. This morning as I left the tube, someone tried to get on before everyone had got off. I had earphones in, so couldn't hear if there was the now ubiquitous 'Please allow passengers off the train first' announcement, but really, people shouldn't have to be told. One man did though. Despite the fact that there was plenty of room, I felt I had a point to prove. As he boarded, we locked shoulders, and I pushed him very firmly off the train again. He really shouldn't need to be told.

I read somewhere that males who exhibit space-occupying behaviour (fighting over arm-rests in the tube, spreading your knees slightly on thin, cramped train and bus seats) are considered more attractive. Perhaps I pushed the guy around as part of some sort of heirarchical ritual, to keep him in his place. Perhaps, had we been friends, I would have picked fleas off him like chimps do, and let him mate with my wife. As Bjork says, theres defen-lydefen-lydefen-lyno lo-gik. Anyway, it made me think. This evening I'm going to go to Brixton tube and walk through a crowd of big nasty-looking drug dealers with determination and indifference to physical contact, a bit like Richard Ashcroft in that Verve video. If I survive it, I'll tell you all about it in the morning.

Write out a hundred times...

I must not rant... Yesterday I was unhappy, but it got happier. Matthew Herbert played a wonderful show last night, sampling 750 people biting an apple during the show, which was an odd one. The music was very entertaining, if exceedingly odd. His attire was very entertaining, if extremely odd. The visuals were also wierd - they were taking the contents of boxes then preparing them like the 'serving suggestion' on the box. It took a Long Time.

This week I have a review. It will consist of me moaning and ranting, and then haggling over pay, I expect, as well as critique of my professionalism and general attitude to work (which is ok, I hope). But at the moment work is going ok, so not too much to moan about. I'm also aware that more people at work know about this site, so I'll be mostly discreet here. I do still think about emigrating, but they've been very accommodating, so I'd be very surprised at my future self if I moved.

Patience is a virtue

I'm not going to post much between now and December. But then I'll try to keep it up to date, as I'll have more to say. Briefly - Thursday's gig went very well, see www.loungewalrus.co.uk/jazz.htm for after-show photos. I spent the enitre weekend playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. There will be geeks out there who tell me the whole game doesn't even take an entire weekend. They can shove it. It's Monday again and next weekend brings my grandmother's 80th celebrations. Tonight I'm selling vegetables to Matthew Herbert fans. And I just burnt my arm rather badly cooking lunch for my colleagues. They can shove it too.

Let me out!

I haven't been posting much, on two timescales.

1) Ever. This is a new thing for me, and I still feel a bit wierd expecting anyone to read this.
2) Recently. I've been very busy. As evidenced by the beautiful new Christmas section of Abel & Cole's catalogue. See www.abel-cole.co.uk. While I'm proud of the company I work for, please don't take this as an encouragement to buy things, I'm not whoring my website even for nice guys like us.

So, Bush got elected again. Anything I say here on the subject will be both poorly informed and repeating something someone else has already said, but I did like the letter in Metro this morning likening it to Alien vs Predator. "Whoever wins, we lose".

And it's not raining in London today, so that's good.