Christmas lists

I spent 4 days in Lincolnshire, from 24th-27th. Here are some lists, in day order.

Meat
1. Pheasant, in apple sauce
2. Turkey, beef and ham, with all the trimmings
3. Beef, and sausage rolls at the party afterwards
4. A variety, in Chinese sauces.

Drink
1. A drop of mulled wine, a couple of pints.
2. A lot of mulled wine, a glass of red wine, a small whisky.
3. A drop of red wine, a Stella, most of a bottle of whisky.
4. Several glasses of red wine, three pints of bitter.

Company - hosts in bold.
1. My maternal grandmother, and family, Paul, James Watson and Cara later. Excellent.
2. My paternal grandmother, two uncles, two aunts, seven cousins, 6 of my aunt's family, my immediate family again. Excellent.
3. My paternal grandmother, the same two aunts and uncles and the same 7 cousins. My immediate family. Later, Gav, Tom, Beckie, two of her relatives, Paul, Guy, Caroline, Chris, Suzanne, Jim Baker, Esther, James Duke Evans, Lorien, Chrissy, Catherine, David, and sincere apologies to anyone I forgot. Excellent.
4. Caroline, Guy, Paul, James, Lorien, Gary, Chris, Suzanne, Kim, Jane, Nicki, Lucy (could have been Laura, sorry...) Ruth, a boyfriend and a husband whose names I only caught later on, and later Annalise, Jim and Esther. Oh, and the Durhams and Gareth on the journey home. Excellent.

Headaches in the morning
1. A bit sore
2. Mild
3. Very mild
4. Very sore indeed. Probably more sore than I can ever remember. I sincerely hope I never have a morning like that again.
(5. Surprisingly mild)

Memorable topics of conversation
1. Jokes, old cars in Cheltenham, why my father had been out of the room for an hour on the phone (he had been called to a fire, but the bleeper might sound s abit like a phone...), fact as a convention and the impossibility of proof for anything, except by definition, and why the Goonies is an excellent film.
2. The success of the Welsh rugby team, buying meat in bulk, nice Irish whiskies, why the congregation were in such poor voice, why Jack wanted to sit next to his mother, carving techniques, whether or not to wash the bottoms of the glasses, why people go for walks after dinner.
3. Polish vodka, taking half an inch off the skirting board, the change in ownership of Pearl Assurance, give a man a fire and you warm him for a day, set him on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life, Yorkshire pudding, Jeremy Bloody Clarkson, whether or not I was bluffing, sneaky cigarettes while running a half marathon, whether I was ok.
4. Terrible DAB reception, Led Zeppelin's Immigrant song matching the journey from Mr Man and Mr Pangs to the Beehive, to the second, senility, murder, rape, evisceration, the disappointing nature of most New Year's Eve parties, why New York was such a great place, feeling like a teenager again in Grantham (in a bad way).

Weather
1. Cold, windy, no rain.
2. Cold, flat calm, no rain.
3. Cold, windy, a touch of snow.
4. Too much snow. Cold.

Sport
1. I got the kite out, and flew it a bit.
2. None
3. Kite again. A small jump I think, and some traction - some distance on and off the board.
4. Exercised thumb on remote control.

TV
1. Nothing of note
2. Excellent Dr Who episode, and the Eastenders Christmas Special. No sign of the Queen.
3. Some Futurama.
4. An episode of the Simpsons.

Overall verdict: 7.8/10 - a good start, but sleepy family on 25th let the whole side down, and excess whisky on 26th may have been a mistake.

Acutely aware that I'm not putting anything new up here often enough

But I'm going up to Lincolnshire this weekend, with my new 6.3m kite. The weather forecast for Lincs on Saturday says 2mph wind and poor visibility. Which is a shame, but does guarantee the survival of most of my bones, at least until after Christmas.

Strangers in the night

Yesterday, after a leaving do for a colleague, I was walking home alone along Coldharbour Lane, and a young lady said 'Hi'. I said 'Hi' back, as I was brought up with good manners, and she asked me if I was looking for business.

The answer in that situation is probably a polite 'no', but I opted for 'No, just a good conversation'. The clear, sober head this morning said that could have been interpreted in a number of ways, but at the time, I think we both took it at face value, so for the ten minute walk to Brixton, I had someone to chat to.

She asked what I did - I told her. She answered the phone a couple of times and arranged a meeting with a client. I asked her whether her evening job was her only source of income - she said it was all she'd done for three years. She bemoaned the cold weather, and said this was really the hardest time of year for her line of work, and she was glad most of her business came through the phone and not off the street, so she could find somewhere indoors if she had to. She said something about it being difficult to find customers, and I said somehing about my father being in a similar situation, 'Self employed, I mean' I said. 'I guess at least what you're doing is tax free - if they legalise it, it'll just be so they can tax it'.

Then she asked if I'd said no specifically at her, or just generally wasn't looking for business. I wasn't sure what to say - thinking I was being sensitive I replied 'I vowed at an early age never to pay for it'. That's beer for you... She replied, slightly hurt 'that's not all it's about you know, some guys just want someone to talk to, some company'. I apologised sheepishly.

She said she was from Newmarket, but she'd spent a lot of time in Norwich. I idly said something about the race course and my grandfather being a jockey. She said 'Was he small?' and I said yeah, and my father's side of the family are tall, so I end up middle sized, which suits me fine. It was about here that I realised I'd run out of interesting conversation.

The client was going to meet her at Brixton in half an hour. I asked if she had somewhere warm to wait, but she said she'd be ok out in the cold. So she said 'Nice talking to you' and I said 'Look after yourself' and hopped on a bus.

I realise in hindsight that I would have been far too embarrassed to have that conversation sober, so maybe there are advantages in the occasional beer. I feel like I've learned something; that what she does is just a job to her, that people in that line of work are people too, and there's nothing to be scared of, or just that sometimes London isn't as unfriendly as it can seem, and it can be a surprise where you find a friendly face.

"Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything"

I'm sure we all heard the tragic news on Friday. A great man, taken from us too soon. Someone we'll all remember for his best moments and not his worst. I mean, The Next Karate Kid was a truly awful film, wasn't it?

Pat Morita was, to a ten year old me, perhaps one of Hollywood's finest actors - a calm, composed man who always had the answers, and while the later films were nothing special, the first three will always have a special place in my heart, wiht their cheesy Hollywood morality and cheap laughs that only a ten year old could attach any value to.

Partially I'm posting about this because I had no connection with George Best, and to me he was no more than the wife beating alcoholic that the papers portrayed him as, until he got ill. Mostly I'm posting in order to share this.

Take me to somewhere I can live in

I spent the entire weekend either sat by the TV or dismantling furniture and packing boxes. After Friday night, which was just messy, the most exciting thing that happened was that nasty tackle in the England Samoa match. I cannot wait to get moved into the new place, I have a feeling that living on my own is doing me no favours at the moment.

On the upside - Ffaction is in a couple of weeks, which is always fun. And more importantly (to me at least) I'm playing in a gig in Great Portland St on Friday 9th December, in the upstairs of the Green Man. And, as people seem to start saying in February, it'll soon be Christmas.

Move, move, quick you gotta move

I am leaving the desolate wastelands of backstreet Streatham and heading to the birhgt lights of Tooting! My new home in Avarn Road awaits, from early December, and with it, a new life of being-on-the-tube! This will be the closest to the tube I have lived since 2001, when I lived about 200m from Euston Square in Newman House.

Update from yesterday - my friend with the nastied shoulder is on the mend, and I can hear again, after Motorhead.

A list

of interesting things that happened at the weekend:

1) Terry Wogan refused to wear a dress for charity, on national television.
2) A friend dislocated his shoulder in an accident involving a mountainboard, a staircase and a blind corner.
3) I ate an enormous burger.
4) Wales played a rugby match against South Africa, the score of which eludes me, despite having watched the whole thing. I think Wales lost though.
5) I saw Motorhead with a few friends. They were loud, which is about all I could discern.
6) I regained my hearing, approximately 14 hours after the end of the concert.
7) I roasted a chicken - a first in my new, ovenless flat.

It's the magic number

A discussion on Saturday evening led to the conclusion that four is the magic number, for philosophical reasons. Channel 4, BBC4, E4 (perhaps not) and Radio 4 are most definitely my favourite media channels (I don't have BBC4 yet, but I know I'll like it) and they all have 4 in the title.

De La Soul were three people, but where was the magic? It was obviously in the audience, and if three people are magic and no-one hears them, do they make any magic? It's the fourth person that really adds something. Four is the magic number.

This also led us to ask the question, if a beat drops in the forest, does it make a noise. Then I got another beer. Shortly afterwards I woke up in the attic, having slept for 8 hours.

Let's go fly (on) a kite!

After owning the thing for around 10 weeks, I finally got off the ground with my Beamer 3.6 kite! In gusts of 17mph, and a steady 11mph wind, I managed to get around 5 feet off the ground for about two or three seconds. Admittedly the shock of having finally done it right meant I landed and fell on the ground immediately, laughing like a fool, but I have to say, that was a hell of a lot of fun. I can't wait to try it again!

Whoever came up with...

I was walking through Brixton today and saw several adverts on the backs of the buses. One for Les Mis, with a very pretty, if slighlty stern looking lead female, one for chicago, which seems to be a musical about lingerie, and one for a shop which was selling, well, lingerie.

Where does the phrase 'looks like the back end of a bus' come from?

Tory leadership race

At lunch the other day I was struggling for conversation - I can't remember why, the people I was sat with are usually very chatty, but I guess sometimes we all fall down on that front. So I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. Then I opened it again and said I was about to mention the Conservative leadership race as a conversational opener, but I just stopped myself.

In a year's time, when the next Conservative leadership race happens, perhaps I'll be too far gone....

Back to moping...

Today is really windy. Dammit.

Cheering the hell up

I realise I've been a bit mopey for, well, most of my life when I actually come to think of it. I was going to say something specifically about the last few months - probably best to start small, baby steps and all that. So here are some really cheerful things that happened to me recently:

My assistant kite launcher - a tiny child, just beginning to grasp the concept of sentences, decided he wanted to help me launch the kite. Not sure of what to say, I put him at one end and me at the other. Foolishly, expecting too much, I said 'Ok, on three... One, two, three, go!'. It was later pointed out that that is 'After three' anyway. The small child wouldn't have got it anyway, as he counted with me 'One, two, three, four, FIVE!' and launched on five. The result was a slightly challenging launch angle for Rob, but an entertaining half hour as I tried both to watch the child didn't get hit, and make him feel like he was involved. Eventually I carried him back to his parents, but when I was halfway up the hill it occurred to me I was carrying a small child, and I didn't know exactly who his parents were... It could have looked very bad, but luckily I had guessed right.

Going to America - The sandwiches were my second-favourite bit again, with the cheap clothing coming in a close third. If anyone suggests my favourite bit was actually the cheap petrol prices, both I and Braunwin will probably stop talking to them.

Getting off the ground for the first time with my kite - Not deliberately. The Saturday in the US had some serious wind. It took me by surprise, I must say. I'm not dead though.

Trying a really big kite - See this picture. I was able to fly this thanks to the kindness and advice of its owner, a German lady who I think was called Kat. It's on the shopping list, (or possibly the 5.0, but the 6.3 is very nice...) now all I need is 6 months rent free to clear debts and save up the money.

A work thing - I got within 0.5% in September on the company's sales budget. Sometimes something is only exciting to you though.

Someone else's work thing - Braunwin got her orchestra sub job. She'd probably prefer me to stop posting about her life, but I was delighted. I know I'd mentioned it to a few people too, so I hope they're pleased also.

A washing machine - I hate going to the laundrette's, so I was pretty stoked to see a new washing machine installed in my building. I was at first under the impression that washing was free, and have since discovered it's a pound sterling a wash. But that's still one-sixty cheaper than the laundrette, and it's nearer my flat too!

Enthusiasm for my new hobby - seems to be shared by more than one of my friends. People are buying mountainboards and kites here and there, which is excellent news, as I'm always happier doing something with company, and I think both board and kite are great fun, together and on their own.

If you want to take up power kiting or mountainboarding and you live in the UK, I recommend Kiteworld in Clacton. they seem to be cheaper than everyone else. I can give limited advice on what makes a good kite to start on, but the guys at AirMonkeys know a great deal more than I do.

Bloody airlines, and lovely people

It took me 6 hours more than it hould have to get here. Apparently an airport closed in Mumbai for three hours. Delta Airlines are probably the least helpful company it has been my misfortune to have dealings with. AirFrance are probably nearly as bad. If you're ever taking internal flights from JFK, I cannot recommend jetblue.com highly enough - they're cheap, courteous, flexible, efficient. I arrived at 5.20pm with a ticket for a plane that had taken off at 3.05pm. They put me righ on the next plane, no questions asked, no extra charge. I promise to rant about this further later, but I've got lunch waiting upstairs, and it will get seriously ranty.

Oherwise America remains as warm and friendly a place as I remember. The political climate is one I still find slightly scary, but I'm still delighted at how wonderfully open and welcoming everyone I meet here seems to be - you expect shop assistants to be superficially friendly, but they really seem to mean it. When they say 'have a nice day', you damn well go and have a nice day, like you're told to.

I'm having a nice day.

Not surfacing socially until 18th October

Work is very busy, and I'm going on holiday from Friday. I'm going to be working til work is finished, between now and then. and I'll be out of the country for a week after then. There'll be the occasional glib criticism of American society while I'm over there, but until I get back (hopefully with photos and things) the site will look pretty much like this. Why I bother to apologise in advance I don't know, I don't think my readership is rivalling the Sun quite yet. But if you do check this site regularly, firstly, how come you never say hi? And secondly, there'll be nothing new here til 18th October.

My new dogwalking service

Yesterday's trip to Tooting Bec was my most successful attempt at kiteboarding yet, and saw me zigzagging down the field to the point of exhaustion. Aside from finally having the perfect conditions to use my kite and board together, yesterday will stick in my memory for another reason.

I was flying my kite, minding my own business, and catching my breath from the last hour or so, when all of a sudden a small white dog dashed out of nowhere and headed straight for the grass beneath my kite. Considering how small he was, he was moving like lightning - clearly the kite had offended him somehow, and he was going to do everything he could to stop it from ever bothering anyone again. He ran around as the kite swung back and forth in the sky, and jumped occasionally, all the time barking. This was ok, if slightly irritating, so I looked around for the owner. No-one was around. Then the wind dropped.

For the next 10 minutes, I staggered backwards, stopping and edging forward when there was enough wind to allow it, and desperately trying to keep the kite above the ground. The small dog stayed where it was, still barking, still overexcited. Then more dogs came. A young woman was walking about 4 dogs of her own, and they thought the little white dog was on to something. So they all gathered in a little group, chasing the kite back and forth, as my shoulders became more and more sore, and as sweat began to form on my forehead (a surprise, considering how dehydrated I was from the night before).

Eventually, the young woman offered to put the dog on a lead, leaving one of her more obedient dogs off the lead, and she went off to find its owner. I got back to the board and, after a 10 minute rest with the kite on the ground (and not under threat), I got on with boarding. Half an hour later, another, similar dog arrived, also barking. The owner wandered over and said 'It's pretty funny, isn't it?'. It was all I could do not to drop the kite and throttle him. Gritting my teeth, I politely remarked that, yes, it was funny the first time.

Photos of kite and board, (and possibly movies - a first for this site) will be available on the photos page some time today.

At last, a news source we know isn't biased!

The Random Times has to be one of the best things I've seen on the internet ever. A newspaper without biased, by virtue of the fact that it hasn't been written by anyone. Take the newspaper I generated a few moments ago...

Alabama 22°C, precious, lying later
Mongolia 32°C, new, whimsical later
Vesuvius 21°C, autumnal, tall later

Even unbiased weather!

Conquering Parliament Hill

At last! After Bank Holiday's pitiful effort, I finally made it all the way down London's tallest hill, in some style. Guy, naturally, did it in rather more style, but I'm not by nature a jealous man, and he has put a lot into snowboarding. As usual there are no photos, which seems a shame. I'll get a new camera some time and sort it all out. The ankle is making remarkable progress, and I may even start cycling to work by the end of the week!

What a nice man that Frederick Forsyth is

He's much nicer than Bruce, anyway. I was watching 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' on Saturday evening, as a part of my exciting urban lifestyle, and Gloria Hunniford and Frederick Forsyth were on. They got to a question about Katy Sexton and which sport she competed in, and they used all three lifelines and still weren't sure. In the end, Forsyth said 'I want to go for 'c', and if I'm wrong, I'll make up the money to your charity.' Apparently the money Gloria's charity would have lost was £15,000. He's either very rich or very brave. Possibly very stupid. But I thought it was a touching gesture, and as a result of it, instead of leaving with £16,000, they're now on £125,000 (might even have been £250,000) each. The best bit seemed to be how easily Forsyth knew all the answers. For example, a question about the (something or other) sands was something no-one would casually happen to know. Forsyth, on being asked if he had any ideas by Tarrant replied 'I've camped out there. If you go to the such-and-such hotel in Muscat, the capital of Oman, and get friendly with the Sultan's private SAS regiment, then they'll take you out for a couple of days' camping'. To be so well travelled, to be so well versed...


Forsyth and sons diving off the coast of Oman. Presumably the £250,000 question will be "In what country is the Mussandam Peninsula?"

I do not have a satelite dish up my ass!

This is me, this morning on the way to work. Apart from the snow of course.

Courtesy of this site, and highlighted by this one. And the title is a reference to this episode of South Park.

Time to go home

Every evening before I go home I make a list of the things I need to do the following day. Every afternoon at around 4pm I look at the list and realise I haven't done any of those things. Many evenings at about 6pm, I simply copy the list from one page of my diary to the next. One day, I want to come in to work to a diary page that has nothing on it....

On a more cheerful note, here is something funny found at B3TA.com, who have already sent about 30 people to my site because of this, so I owe them one. Oddly it probably links into one of the reasons I have this big list of things to do... It's a spoof movie poster for the most boring movie ever.

Something I've never seen before

A squirrle running across the road in rush hour. But I saw it this morning, on Brixton Hill. The most entertaining bit (in a twisted way) was where the squirrel tried to jump over a wall, but didn't jump high enough. I don't know quite how to describe a squirrel falling in an uncontrolled manner, but it is a sight to see.

He ran on afterwards, so he's probably ok.

A lovely weekend in the country

I was up in Snettisham this weekend. Snettisham is a small Norfolk village, famous only for its butcher, who is frequented by Her Majesty the Queen when she's at Sandringham. And the sailing club, which is home to former National and European champions in the Dart 18 catamaran class. And home to this weekend's Snettisham TT (Traveller's Trophy) Dart 18 event, which is why my parents were there.

I went for the break from London, and to see my family. And to fly my kite on the beach, which I did for most of Saturday. The wind was mostly pretty consistent, though it got patchier in the afternoon. The rain didn't help, but it was all good fun anyway. Unfortunately, a large lump of concrete on the beach took me by surprise and caught my already twisted ankle. I collapsed to the ground in agony, swearing furiously. After a minute or two I was back on my feet and walking fine, but it has swollen up slightly, and will probably put the healing back by about a week, sadly. And still no photos of kiteboarding. Maybe in late October.

Other than that, the weekend was a great opportunity to visit the RSPB reserve, which was full of geese, ducks, wading birds and general wildlife, and the beach, littered with cockle shells and driftwood. And Jamie has asked that I mention the cricket. Today there is a cricket match, but it will probably be rained off. There.

Focusing on the task in hand

For some reason today has been less than productive. Why, I can't say but I think I may have to stop an extra hour and catch up on the stuff I should have been doing.

Making tea

Sûm pëple don't knõw håw to mèk a cupp øf tæ...

Not to mention the people that don't know how to make a browser support special characters.

If a job's worth doing

Yesterday evening I removed the RACs temporary clutch and fitted a new one.

Saying it simply makes it sound like it was a 3 minute job. Step 1, remove clutch. Step 2, apply new clutch. Step 3, go inside and open nice bottle of Cotes Du Rhone acquired earlier at Tesco. In fact, I spent half an hour removing the clutch, and a further hour trying to get the damn pedal clip through the damn bulkhead. At which point I began accosting random strangers to see if they could help. One managed to help me get the clip through the bulkhead, and, defeated by the onset of the night, I retired to the bottle of wine mentioned above. This morning, in the light of day, it was another 10 minutes of grunting and swearing to get the thing in place, but as I drove to work, every gear change was a reminder that I'd done it (nearly) all on my own.

My hands are still covered in oil, and lots of tiny cuts and scratches.

No such thing as a free...

... car, on this occasion. A colleague has just got a new car, and has a spare one. She feels it won't be worth selling, and has given it to me. Which means all I have to do is ensure it's through its next MOT and then it's running costs only for a year. I clearly work with some generous people, and have the good fortune to be in the right place at the right time, at least now and then.

A great place to mountainboard

On Saturday evening, as the sun was going down, Rob and I drove through Richmond Park. We watched the deer frolicking through the trees, and the shards of light through the gaps in the branches. And we wandered from the car park to the cycle path that runs down a hill on the east side of the park. There, we found a gravel path full of turns (apparenlty called Beverley Brook) and we jumped on the mountainboard and off we went.

The hill has a sign at the top, advising cyclists to dismount. As we felt we were more at risk than the average cyclist, we decided to start halfway down. The path had just enough turns in it to be challenging and entertaining, yet accessible to the complete beginner, and to a man with a swollen ankle. We slowly worked our way up the hill, and I'm sure we'll be back there in a couple of weeks, to tear it up some more. Maybe even from the top.

Once again, my camera is not in the best state of repair, so I'll be leaving taking mountainboarding photos until after Braunwin and I head to Ottawa together in October - everything is so much cheaper there than here. But photos will come; I think this is a particularly photogenic sport.

You know you've had a good weekend when....

...your fingers hurt at the ends. This weekend I played bass at a wedding. Only it wasn't a wedding, it was a blessing of a union. Unconventionally in Catholicism, a forthcoming union - the couple are to marry in a couple of weeks in Mexico. The music seemed slightly dry during rehearsals, but the congregation clapped along and sang with enthusiasm, and playing for them was a real pleasure. The reception was also a pleasure to play at, and the jazz stylings we attempted seemed to go down well. Jean and Jasbeth were very gracious hosts, and will make a wonderful married couple.

My only complaint was that, at the end of the evening as I went to leave, my clutch cable snapped, and I had to wait more than two hours for the RAC to come and put on a temporary one. They did an excellent job though, as my clutch seemed to work in a way no other clutch does, and they still managed to put it all together fine. I got home by midnight, driving the car I left in. Now all I have to do is convey my concern and mild distaste to the man who lent me the car, my brother...

Write out 100 times, I shall not moan

Yesterday was a challenging day, in many ways. Work was a pain, and some interesting things happened on a not-work front too, though those seem to be sorting themselves out. With the swollen ankle at its worst, (it feels much much better this morning) I was in a pretty foul mood when I arrived home last night.

Then my neighbour appeared with his son. His son is 6 weeks old, as anyone who was in my flat about five-and-a-half weeks ago will be able to tell you. He's lovely.

So I chatted briefly to my neighbour, who was beaming throughout, with almost sickening paternal pride. Then I thought, why sickening? The man has every reason to be proud. I mean, fair enough, we know how it works, and from the man's point of view at least, it's not difficult. But he and his wife (I assume wife, they seem pretty straight-laced) have probably gone almost without sleep for a month and a half, the three of them live in a space similar to one that I find cramped on my own, and he can still smile at someone who is all but a perfect stranger.

All in all, I have little to moan about.

Boat party

On Saturday, I spent the evening with a few friends on a boat on the Thames. We made our way up to Putney Bridge, then down to the Thames Barrier and back to Embankment Pier, where we had started out. Highlights of the evening include attempting to convince a friend that we were in trouble with the military, as we passed HMS Belfast, and hearing Jim squeeze 'Back in Black' seamlessly into his set. Lowlights include a lost laptop and a digital camera, and the headache I had the following afternoon...

We spent some time discussing what Battersea Power Station is to be used for. Does anyone know?

A quick glance at Google found a Guardian article that claims "luxury flats, two hotels, a massive theatre and a new railway station" were planned for the site by 2003, but nothing seems to have happened, and the rail station has definitely been ruled out. The companies involved in the original proposal are now no longer involved in any of it, and the council has extended the planning permission until 2006. It looks like inflatable things promoting rock concerts may be the best use the site gets for the next 10 years.

Mountainboarding and personal risk

Yesterday I went to Hampstead Heath, to go mountainboarding on the highest point in London, Parliament Hill. After a couple of warm-up runs, we found the hill and I jumped on the board, and in the process of making my way down the hill, I managed to run the blunt front end of the board into my leg. I've been limping ever since, but I can tell that I'm going to enjoy that hill the next time there's a little more room on it (there were a lot of people enjoying the weather) and of course, once my ankle is healed.

Webmasta! Masta!

hi matthew, webmaster of puppets here. thanks for being yet another UK beatallibanger!

we hope to hit the UK next year. our european agent is high on that idea as we have a pretty strong buzz over there. we're gonna see how the mainland shows go and take life from there.

let me know if you want to be on the private email list for news on things like that. i can certainly add you. until then, take care. and thanks so much just for asking!

webmaster
beatallica
http://www.beatallica.org/

Mister, can I 'ave a go?

So, rushing home from work yesterday, very aware of the steady breeze in the air, I ran into the flat, grabbed my kite and board, and got back in the car and drove to Tooting Common. After some difficulty, I managed to get the kite consistently airborne, and actually get some motion on the board. At one stage I may have even exceeded walking speed, for at least 3 metres... well, it's a start.

While I was working on getting the kite into the air, a small child asked 'Can I have a go?'. He claimed to be 9 stone, but he wasn't an ounce over 7. I explained to him that the kite had every chance of picking him off the ground, and then his friend arrived. His friend said 'Can I 'ave a go?'.

All in all, there were four of them. By the time I'd got them to go away (for their own safety - they were dangerounsly close to the lines on at least one occasion) the best of the wind had gone for the night. The pitfalls of flying in public. Eventually, when I own a big estate in the country, then these problems will be replaced by a butler, who will occasionally drift by and offer me port.

A geeky joke

There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't.

Hurricanes and Landboarding

I was outside just now, and being blown to pieces. All of a sudden the weekend looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. A lot of fun indeed.

So, yeah, this was me on Sunday afternoon:



I mean, that's not actually me, but in principle. There was almost no wind, so just keeping the kite in the air proved impossible. For a brief moment, though, the wind blew, and I jumped on the board, and all in all, it felt good. I think it will feel better with a proper breeze.

We also used the mountainboard on its own. The hill at the back of Streatham Common is now the training slope, and we hope to find something a bit more interesting as a beginner's slope, on Bank Holiday Monday, and hopefully a bit of a breeze. And I'll take some real photos, so you can all have a giggle at the slightly podgy, slightly too old guy on the overgrown skateboard.

Diverting anecdote

I was at work yesterday in Andover, and our milk delivery arrived. The man left the van and went into the warehouse, and I noticed the van was rolling backwards. As no one else seemed to be doing anything, I jumped from my seat, ran down the stairs, across the yard and dived into the vehicle through the passenger door. I pulled the handbrake and found nothing was happening, so I pushed the footbrake with my hand, turned off the engine and stuck it in gear, all the while my legs dangling from the door. I even lost a shoe.


What could have happened...

Later I took a ride with the intersite transport, back to my usual office in Brixton. I've never been in a moving 'Artic' before - my Dad used to drive them, but I only ever saw them when he'd finished driving them. And then I bumped into someone I hadn't seen in almost a year, in the company toilets. Apart fromt he fact that the whole morning was wasted due to a courier error, I had a pretty entertaining day.

Lots of very frustrating things

I'm in a dilemma. Two dilemmas. Possibly three.

Firstly, last night Rob and Chris both said they'd be very keen to move to a three-bed place with me, if we can organise it. This is something I'd be very keen to do too, but I couldn't go back to the one hour plus commute that living in Dalston would entail.

However, my workplace is moving. But as yet, we don't know where we're moving to. Who knows, it could be within easy reach of Dalston.

On top of this, I am seeing someone who I love, who lives in America, and it's very tempting to move out there. But the visa system is very tricky, and I'd need a job and so would be held to one place. The person in question is currently studying in a place where she has no intention of staying, so if I did find work out there, I would be there for a maximum of one year, and then would have to find other work elsewhere.

She, in turn,is looking to move to East London on an exchange. This is something that may or may not happen, and it's dependent on someone wanting to leave London and go to Rochester, NY for a year. This is something that we would be unwise to pin hopes upon, but the school in Rochester is an excellent one, and has an international reputation, so it's not out of the question.

Ideally, work would move closer to Greenwich, and Rob, Chris and I would move there too, and the exchange would work out fine. A worst case scenario is that I find a job in Rochester, hand in my notice, and the next day, the exchange would come through, and Braunwin and I would swap sides of the Atlantic. And Rob and Chris would remain in Dalston, and I in Streatham until I leave for Rochester.

To take stock:
Dilemma 1: Live near work or live with interesting people?
Dilemma 2: Long term job I like, or a year with someone I love?
Dilemma 3: Drag someone across the Atlantic selfishly, or find work in America?

All of these things depend on where work moves to, so I can't really do anytihng about them until I find out where I'll be working in January. However, there's still the Transatlantic thing to consider, and if work moves somewhere really awful, then, that's going to be even more tempting.

Really, I need advice from complete strangers. What would you do?

New hobby?

I want to do this.



However i suspect I won't be doing it to quite this level for a while. And I can't find anywhere in London that would be suitable to do it (apparently it's banned in Richmond Park).

Getting regular exercise

Yesterday I walked home from work. I figured it couldn't take much more than an hour, and it didn't. The view from the top of the hill in Brockwell Park was fantastic, and the feeling of complete calm and serenity I had when I got home was worth spending an hour a day on. Knowing my usual attitude to exercise, this may not happen again in the near future, but who knows? It could be a regular thing.

Alton Towers

We also went to Alton Towers. We had hoped to get there before the school holidays, but on arrival it quickly became evident that we were too late. We still managed to ride Air (a coaster that suspends you face down, as if you're flying), Nemesis (an 'inverted' roller coaster, where your legs dangle), the Corkscrew (probably the oldest ride in the park), Hex (which is hilarious, but I'd ruin it if I said any more), Oblivion (a vertical drop roller coaster that, sadly, consists of a vertical drop and a ride back to the station), the Rapids (rapids), Duel (a haunted house where you get to shoot things) and Rita - Queen of Speed (Britain's first openly gay rollercoaster). The days was slightly marred by the foul-mouthed, loud oiks we had to share the place with, but I guess that's true of theme parks everywhere.

Having left home at 7.30am and got back to London at about 10pm, we were pretty tired by the end of the day, and waking up to discover someone had tried to break into my brother's car was also a disappointment. All in all, though, it comes highly recommended, and they do serve excellent coffee.

If at first you don't succeed, try Thai again

So we resolved to go to a Thai restaurant, Braunwin and I, and wandered around Soho, expecting one on every corner. And there was one on every corner but it was Sunday and some of them were shut. We ended up in a vegetarian buffet just off Oxford St, which was pleasant enough, but not really what we were looking for. Having spotted somewhere on Streatham High Road we thought we'd try that.

We went in, and had some fabulous starters and a very tasty main course, all served in a friendly and attentive manner. Then we waited to order coffee. And we waited. And we waited. Twenty minutes later we had stacked our plates for the waiter, and we'd decided we didn't want coffee any more, so we asked for the bill. And we waited.

A full 35 minutes after we had finished eating, we left the restaurant.Being the honest people we are, we left the money on the table, as close to accurate as we could, but they thanked us either way, and part of me would still like to have walked out with a few extra notes in my pocket. I guess if I had been less English, I might have made a fuss. As it was we left quietly, and then discussed how useless they had been all the way home.

Excellent food though. If you're taking away, I can't recommend it highly enough.

Ealing Jazz Festival 2005

Aside from the lovely Braunwin visiting me for the last few weeks, one of July's highlights for me was the Ealing Jazz Festival. It all kicked off with a day by the F-ire Collective, including the obviously-talented-but-not-my-style Norma Winstone, a quartet with a french guitarist who were very impressive and Polar Bear, who I am very keen to see again. They were slightly quirky modern jazz with funny computer noises over the top, though I'm sure afficionados have a better description. Synergy topped the day off, with a brief appearance by Rhythms of the City, a samba band. By this time, I had sadly descended into gin, so I don't recall much of it.

Tuesday saw a nice septet play some excellent tunes, followed by Ray Gelato, who was as crowd pleasing as ever.

Thursday also saw a smaller ensemble playing a few tunes, and then a Jazz Orchestra playing some specially commissioned tunes. It made me realise just how far from the mark we were at UCL when the big band played. (Not to say we weren't any good, we were, we just weren't professionals...)

Sadly, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday were missed, but all looked like they had excellent lineups and would have been worth a journey. Saturday was a great finish to my week, anyway, with Butchers Brew, Tenor Each Way and the Alan Elsdon All Stars (sadly minus Alan Elsdon himself) giving an excellent demonstration of why Ealing is fast becoming my favourite festival (yes, I know, and I mean it too. You don't have to pay £125 to get in and you don't have to worry about the weather!)

It was a bit of a shame that more of you couldn't make it. Thanks to those who came, I hope you all found it worth your while. Everyone else, please don't miss the opportunity next year, you just won't see jazz like this for free anywhere else, and even when you've given your £20 to Ronnie Scott's estate, the atmosphere in Ealing is so much more laid back - it's got to be worth one ticket to Zone 3, just to see. And worth one slightly moderate Friday/Saturday evening so you can get out of bed in time to get there...

The last week and a half

So then Braunwin arrived at Gatwick on Tuesday, and I had been up since 5am, and she arrived at 7.40am or thereabouts. And it was all very emotional, though we managed to make a few backhanded remarks by the time we reached the car, so it was nice to know little had changed! We went home and watched An Everlasting Piece, and on Wednesday we went to the Science Museum, and we watched The Big Lebowski in the evening. And we went ice skating in Streatham, and had a picnic on Tooting Common and dinner with Ben and Emma on Thursday, and on Friday we got up early to go to Stonehenge. In the afternoon we went to a garden party, and then we drove to Lincolnshire. We spent Saturday wandering round the village, went to church in Bourne and joined my granny and aunt for a cup of coffee afterwards. We went to Grantham's Blue Pig for a drink in the evening. We sailed on Sunday, and went to my uncle's 40th that evening, and spent Monday doing very little indeed. Tuesday was spent in Alton Towers and I'm at work now.

This is just a list of things that have happened so I don't forget. I'll try to write something a bit more entertaining tomorrow.

London show fails to impress barman - 11.7.05

From http://www.sigur-ros.co.uk/tourdiary/

the photos and video clips are on their way. in the meantime, here's a nugget from a conversation we overheard between two barman at somerset house last night:

"sigur ros? more like sigur toss. it sounded like a car alarm."

Apologies

I think I might have underestimated the severity of the situation. I had a series of ver yminor explosions, killing two and injuring a couple of hundred, mostly minor injuries. As it turns out it looks closer to 50 people dead and maybe eight hundred injuries.

It's not a world changing event (except, of course, for the people who lost relatives and friends with no warning) but it's still a demonstration of how fragile the comfort in which we live can be.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

...and I feel fine. As usual the situation, which has tragically killed a handful of people and injured around 200, has been blown out of all proportion. This is an attack on innocent people in the heart of the city where they live and work, and it's very sad, but the reaction seems to have been pretty extreme. My condolences to those people who lost people, or who know people who lost people. I don't mean to trivialise the issue, I'm merely annoyed at a media who want every scandal to end in -gate, every terrorism story to end in 9/11 and every potential conflict to be hailed as 'World War 3'. And the tube will be running again by tomorrow morning at the latest.

I guess it's always the end of the world we know and the start of something new - thus is the nature of time. I guess that goes hand in hand with Michael Stipe's usual pseudoscience, such as his recent insistence that he is vibrating at the speed of light. He is, but we all are.

Urbandictionary.com doesn't like me

Sob....

To continue a sickening list of people who are nice to me

Dad just came down from Lincolnshire with my brother's car. We were trying to fix the car over the weekend, and we broke it, so it was just fixed today. Works fine now. I'm still quite astounded that he'd drive 100 miles to drop off a car for me - I was planning to meet him in Peterborough or something. It was an opportunity to briefly show him the place where I work, though I think I rushed it a bit. Sorry about that, Dad.

The car itself is courtesy of my brother, which is also very kind. Thanks, Luke.

A week is a long time in notpolitics

Braunwin arrives in a week. I'm not sure if it's seemly for boys to blog about this sort of thing, but 4 months is far, far too long to be away from someone you love. Though if it weren't for my warm-hearted employers (who read this occasionally, thus the crawly nature of the last clause) I wouldn't see her more than twice a year, and that would be no fun.

The tricky bit is figuring out what we're going to do for three weeks. Not because London doesn't have three weeks worth of entertainment, but because we've already been invited to a wedding, a garden party and a surprise birthday party, and I intend to drag her out to the Ealing Jazz Festival as much as possible, and we want to see museums, music things, and sit by the river and in the parks, and all sorts of other things. And go to Alton Towers. And when I start to think about when we're going to do it all, three weeks doesn't seem nearly long enough.

Live8 - a major traffic inconvenience

I arrived home last night and my father asked if Hyde Park was on Regent's Street. It is. Tonight, at 7pm, Dad leaves for a shop on Regents St, and will arrive just in time to meet the crowds leaving the concert. I'll let you know how he says it goes.

In the meantime, we've already seen McCartney, U2, Dido, Youssou N'Dour, Coldplay, Richard Ashcroft, the Stereophonics, REM, and now Kofi Annan says "This is really the United Nations. The whole world has come together for the poor, on behalf of the poor and the week, I say thankyou." Nice to hear. July 8th will show whether it makes a bit of difference for those 8 guys it's in aid of. And it'll still make for poor traffic conditions either way.

"I'm just Miss Dynamight-y-eee". When are the Floyd on?!

You fell over! You fell over!

I did indeed...



Here's me covered in mud after watching a pretty entertaining set from Hot Hot Heat. Walking out of the swamp that the Other Stage had become, I lost my footing one way, and my other foot was completely unable to recover. I fell. Thankfully nothing important was in the line of fire - my face took most of the impact. The only real casualties were my pride and a Panama hat I had purchased in Tesco the week before.

The people I sprayed with mud as I flailed in a fruitless attempt to right myself took it very well. I guess by that stage everyone was resigned to the fact they were going to be covered in it by the end of the weekend. Not as resigned, however, as this man.



Pictures courtesy of www.paulcroft.me.uk.

Who's the Baghdaddy?

On Sunday at Glastonbury, the Baghdaddies played the Avalon stage at 6pm, and there you'd think it would end. But no, in Lost Vagueness they were called upon to play again at 1am. Ok, not bad, two shows in one day, but hardly backbreaking work.

But after the 1am show on Monday morning, the horn players (a trumpet, a trombone and a soprano sax, I think) wandered up to the stone circle, where their distinctive ska/middle-eastern harmonies could be heard until beyond 7.30am. Cracking. Puts me to shame that over the whole weekend, I played no shows and never went to bed later than 2.30am. Weak, that's what I am.

Half a bottle of Captain Morgans

Another unusual search term (I know, these are getting boring) by which someone arrived at my site. I can't imagine a situation in which one would want to find anythign on the net to do with half a bottle of rum. A full bottle, yes.


Well, I'm off home to a wombat and a pair of rubber trousers (lets see if anyone picks that up on google!)

Serious bass

And then we watched the Wailers. They played some nice tunes on the Jazz World stage, but at this time I was beginning to tire of all the noise, and the weekend was coming to an end. I turned to Chris, and commented that The Wailers wouldn't have showed up unless they were promised some serious bass. Chris replied "well, that goes without saying. They probably wouldn't even get out of bed int he morning unless the bass is serious. I mean, they probably said, Eavis, we don't care about the fee, just don't give us any frivolous bass'.

The bass was serious all weekend, but somehow the Wailers made it all the more straight-faced.

In Chris Martin's defence

He did make me smile when he sang:

Give me weather that does no harm
Michael Eavis, Worthy Farm
Give me mud up to your knees
Best festival in history

to Politik. Though best festival in history is probably stretching it a little. Might have been, with a different Saturday headliner.

A sketch I heard on Sunday about Toothpaste

It's like when you go to buy toothpaste, you think what flavour should I have, Spearmint, peppermint, freshmint, fresh spearmint, doublemint, peppermint? Do I want plaque protection, flouride enriched, double protection, triple protection, whitening, double whitening, extra whitening? Why can't they just make one that does all of it? And then the toothbrush... firm bristles, soft bristles, diamond head, square head, should it flex in the neck? What about electric toothbrushes - they're meant to work better, but the action's much more manly with a manual one? And then they get you with the Mouthwash? Blue, Green, Purple, Yellow, it doesn't matter, the taste'll stay in your mouth for a week anyway! And then dental floss - now I've always thought dental floss was just snooty string, it's all, oh, I taste of mint, but can you use it as a guy rop ewhen your tent breaks? Can you fuck!

Warning sign, perhaps

Coldplay are following me around. Not only did they announce their headline slot at Glastonbury after I'd decided I was going, but they conspired with Michael Eavis to ensure everyone else playing when they were was just as vapid. Then, to top it all off, I went home last night only to discover I could hear bloody Coldplay (don't know why I capitalise them, they don't deserve it) playing in my bloody street! It turns out Crystal Palace is just down the way, and they were playing there last night. I bet they're playing this evening too...

If they play Corby Glen in mid July, I shall take out a restraining order.

Good (and a few bad) vibrations

Wow, what a weekend. Fantastic in places, frightful in others. Wednesday and Thursday were both so hot we could barely do anything, which was great because we didn't have anything to do anyway, and then Friday morning, after we'd been complaining how hot it was for two days, the heavens opened. Apparently one man was struck by lightning in the night, while leaving his tent to use the toilet. I assume he survived, or how would they know what his intentions were?

Pennards Field, a mildly sloped area that ends with a large bank at the foot of the slope, collected around three feet of water, and firemen searched every tent in the area, in the night, to make sure no-one had drowned, which they hadn't. Apparently only one person died during the weekend, and it was unrelated to the rain.

I myself woke up to a relatively dry tent, amazing as it was single skinned, and had already taken 5 hours of intense rain. This was at about 8am. It continued to rain for a further three hours. My boots held up well though, and I watched incredible sets from The Killers, John Butler Trio and The White Stripes on Friday, as well as half of a set I would have loved to see all of, from Doves. Jack White apologised for the rain, the mud, and for being American. And he called Meg his sister. Again. But he can't half play that guitar.

Then on Saturday, the mud still glueing our feet to the floor, we saw Taj Mahal, GLC ("I'm not like other people you might see or you might know; I made love to a BBC micro") Kaiser Chiefs (who invited an enormous inflatable dinosaur onto the stage), New Order and Coldplay (I know, but the light show was incredible, and he's such a nice young man). Sunday brought out Soulwax (not bad, but not Soulwax of 2000, to my mind), Brian Wilson (jaw-droppingly good for every minute of his set, criminal that he couldn't have played another hour or more of those songs, and wonderful to see people crowdsurfing on actual surfboards. If I have to choose 'Heroes and Villains' of the weekend, then Brian was my hero, and the weather the villain.) and some other people, probably. The Wailers closed my weekend, with that poor man having to stand in for Bob Marley, and then an hour or two of comedy (which is another post or two in itself, especially the ball-sucking audience member).

My legs ache so much from all the walking in the sticky mud, and I still feel dehydrated. I think I'll need the break in 2006.

Photos are at Paul's site, as I didn't use my camera once...

Edit: I will be posting lots more about the weekend, but there's too much to write in one day, especially my first day back at work!

Waking up to the neighbours

I think subwoofers should come with a timeswitch that means they don't work at all until at least 11am. 9.30am is not a reasonable time at which to wake up to other people's R'n'B. It was at 9.45 that I realised I own a CD player/alarm clock with a headphone out socket, and also a home cinema thing with a headphone socket input. With a sub. And I'm going awa for a couple of days this week. There's nothing stopping me turning up the bass and setting the alarm to any damn time I want. Every morning until I get back.

Not sure why I chose a slightly twisted Bryan Adams album name as a post title. I'm not a big fan of the Groover form Vancouver, though who can keep their feet still to Summer of '69?

Aht buh, awuweh?

I'm currently waiting for this to be added to www.urbandictionary.com


---------------------------
AHT

A slurred version of the word 'Alright'. Used by small-town folks in the UK, or in an exaggerated way, by those who seek to mock them.

'Aht buh, awuweh?' (alright boy, how are we?)
'Aht buh. Guurn Dant busseh?' (alright boy, are you going down to the bus station?).

Source: Loungewalrus, Jun 16, 2005

On the day when...

...Michael Jackson is cleared of all charges relating to sexual abuse and misconduct, more people die in Iraq and it gets treated like no-one was expecting it and the British Government prepares to deploy 2,000 men in Afghanistan, I ask:

Is Christina Hot?

Maximus isn't real....

Someone searched for "Maximus decimus meridius is real or not" and arrived at my site. This is pathetic. It's like that woman from Japan who watched Fargo and then wandered round North Dakota looking for the million dollars, and died of hypothermia.

It's a film. Sometimes they're based on real stories, but even then, the film usually exaggerates, misrepresents and lies. Get a grip people!

Oh, and I got my first hits from South Africa today. Hi South Africa!

A random Futurama quote

Fry (aside, to Zoidberg): Tell her how thin she looks!
Zoidberg, to lady lobster on balcony: You look malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna (the lady lobster: Why yes. Thanks for noticing.

Everyone is a crap driver

I have just returned from a family dinner, which was for the most part a pleasant experience. But there was a long conversation abotu people's driving habits. The french, the man in the white van, the family car, the old dear - everyone is a crap driver except you! (Though I agree about the french, chill out guys!).

When will someone hold up their hand and say "Yeah, I sit in the outside lane too long, I drive to fast, I don't rest every couple of hours, I sit on people's back bumper when I'm in a hurry - I'm a liability on the road"? Cause someone is doing it, and I've heard a million people tell me about what someone else did, but no-one ever replies "Yeah, I'd have done that too".

I'd like to start a trend. I am a terrible driver. I drive too fast, I don't leave enough space between tme and the car in front. I dont pull in every time I can. I dont' always signal where it might be helpful. I certainly don't leave space for every eventuality. Will I change the way I drive now?

No.

Cats fine, dogs perhaps, walruses? No.

Someone typed 'pets buy walrus' into a search engine, and arrived at my site. A male walrus weighs up to 1700kg, which is the same as a London taxi. The tusks of a bull walrus grow up to 40in long, and are extremely functional. This is not something you want sat on your lap.

I want to make it very clear that I do not sell walruses. I do not condone the sale of walruses. I do not condone their use as domestic animals. If I see someone with a walrus on a lead, I will probably run away. Don't underestimate the walrus.

The Siths - featuring Darth Morrissey

So I was chatting to my cousin and talking about The Smiths, a lyric from whom he had chosen as his MSN name, and I typoed. So here's a track list by popular Manchester/Tattoine crossover 'The Siths'.

The Wookie With A Thorn In His Side
Obi-Wan, It Was Really Nothing
How Soon Is A Long, Long Time Ago?
Stormtroopers Of The World Unite
Han Solo In Glove (I know, that one not so good)
Jar-Jar Take A Bow
Heaven Knows I'm On The Dark Side Of The Force Now
This Charming Ewok

and my favourite

There Is A Light-Sabre That Never Goes Out

I thank you.

Knew I'd find something

Yesterday, the Guardian's G2 section had a photo of Kohl Rabi on the front of it. The more observant Guardian reader would have noticed, in tiny letters, the words 'MATTHEW HARWOOD' in the bottom left corner of the page. It's my first published photograph! Woohoo!

Actually, it's not, but it's certainly the first one published in anything like as high profile a publication as the Guardian. And the cover too! I was skipping about the place on Friday, when I found out.

And the rest of the weekend was spent in the same old drinking, chatting, sleeping, eating cycle, which I'm only expecting to break on my death.

Oh, one interesting innuendo related comment. Because of a discussion that came from this post on policyblender.com, I've been associated with the remark "It's not dangerous unless it's at least 8" long" in the mind of a friend of Michael Rossi's. It's all good fun.

Radio silence

Ok, I know I haven't posted for more than a week - but I've been extremely busy at work, and to be honest, nothing outrageously fun has happened that I can remember clearly (I have memories fo Friday and Saturday being fun, but was too drunk and too tired, respctively, to remember the details).

I promise to post something more interesting than this dire paragraph before the end of the month - if not, I shall resign and move to Barbados, and get a job as a fisherman. Now that would be worth a post or two.

Oh, and...

One of the surprises was a nice bunch of flowers I ordered for that nice Canadian girl (It's her birthday today, she's 21!). I was going to say how nice it was to be able to get hold of a florist 3500 miles away that was about 200m from her door. And of course how American customer service involves being helpful, whereas invariably, in Britain it involves going as far to telling the customer to fuck off as possible, without the customer noticing. Our own customer services department excepted of course.

The other surprise is still a surprise, but it's a work surprise, so it's quite dull.

Good day, bad day

Sometimes my job is enthralling and engaging. Sometimes it's too busy when it's being enthralling, and I don't get a chance to enjoy it (much like Arthur Dent, who didn't want to die with a headache cause when he got to Heaven he'd be all cross and wouldn't enjoy it). On a very few occasions, it's deathly dull. Yesterday I drove to Andover, a two hour journey each way, with London traffic, and I packed leaflets for four hours. Sometimes the leaflet packing is a great opportunity to arrange my thoughts - some of my best ideas (both for posts and for solutions to work problems) have come while I've been doing something boring.

The drive from the M25 is even more boring than the leaflet packing. So I decided to count roadkill. I managed to sight 5 different species, namely a pair of dead foxes, a hedgehog, a rabbit, a deer and a crow, the last four within a mile stretch of the M3. The odd thing is, I don't remember seeing any other dead animals on that stretch of road before. Perhaps it's something to do with Spring?

Damn, damn, damn...

I can't tell anyone about th einteresting stuff that's happening in my life at the moment! I've got things happening at work I can't speak about, things happening socially I can't speak about.... It's surprise-a-rama, as my old flatmate would term it.

When the surprises come off, I'll tell you all about them. In the meantime, there will be a short penguin clubbing interlude.

Smack down in Coldharbour Lane

Yesterday, as I meandered back to Brixton tube, I was chatting to my brother on the phone. He had just had his iPod break on him, and as it was bought in America, he managed to secure a refund in US dollars. Mid-sentence in replying and saying 'Oh, good for you etc.' I observed a young, slightly dishevelled man being hit by a car. He was picked up, flipped over and landed beside the car on the tarmac, in the cetnre of the crossroads with Atlantic Road. He made a certain amount of noise, the car stopped and the young dishevelled man got up for a second and walked around. 'Oh, he's ok' I thought, though he soon lay down again, probably at the advice of an overzealous first-aider.

I have never seen someone hit by a car before. I was slightly disappointed in myself to discover that, when it happened, I carried on my conversation with nothing more than an exclamation of 'crikey!'. Should I have stopped and tried to help? By helping, would I have been sued for hindering a perfectly legitimate suicide attempt? If I was in the car, what would I have done? Why was he in front of the car in the first place? Why was there no blood on the road this morning, when I walked into work the same way?

On Sunday morning, Streatham's main street was closed at 8am, and the bus I was on had to take a detour. I never found out why, but I doubt it would have got me to hang up the phone, whatever it was.

Test

This is a test.

This is a link to a test.

This is a bold test.

Busy week, won't go into detail

... but my fingers really hurt from bassism. The fretless came into its own last night, and I think the gig is going to be worth playing, even if it's not as worth watching as it might be. We're in it to have fun anyway, and I've met some good people, and learnt more about playing in a band.

The rest of the week has little to tell. Dinner with Liz this evening, who has just finished her exams. More rehearsal tomorrow. Gig on Friday. Some sort of treasure hunt on Saturday.

That's it, I knew there was something interesting happening! We're going on a treasure hunt on Saturday! There will be photos on Monday, assuming it isn't rained off. Otherwise there will be photos of general weekend drunkenness on Monday.

Guess where I'm going....

...on 10th July?

Here, as it happens.

The happy couple

Well, a good time was had by all, especially these two:



Once again, congratulations to Mr and Mrs Dave and Avril Childs. And, of course, to Sunderland.

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage

go together like a man from Durham and a lady from Singapore. Which incidentally, is the combination I'll be watching tomorrow afternoon. I was surprised to discover (I was surprised when I mulled it over later, I wasn't in a fit state for surprise when I discovered it) that Dave and Avril will be living apart for at least a few months once they're married. But I have bought them a couple of nice picture frames, cause I know how a photo is a nice thing to have when someone you love is far away.

So, while I'm in the office and can add to this thing - Congratulations on your forthcoming nuptuals, the future Mr & Mrs David and Avril Childs.

Passing the torch

Michelle put me up to blogging, admittedly at my request - now I've passed Blogger onto the subtly respelt Michele. Not to mention Chris and Ben, who talk politics. It's nice to see things passing by word of mouth, with no use of paper, no money changing hands and everyone happy. Isn't the internet a wonderful place? Apart from the child porn of course.

London Marathon

I feel like the whole event this year was about getting the Olympics in 2012. Sure, money raised for charity, athletic achievements by new and old faces, but an awful lot of talk about the Olympics.

New York has a marathon in November, by which time it will be too late. Paris had one a week ago, though, and I bet that was a give-us-the-Olympics-fest too.

Also, our walk-in surgery for patients with broken legs.

Last night,passing a 'Dental Laboratory', which I took to be a dentist's, I saw the words on the window 'Dental repairs while you wait'. It may be that I'm missing something here.

Mothballs of doom

My flat smells slightly of mothballs. Mothballs, according to this page, are extremely hazardous to your health. The problem is, I can't find where the smell is coming from! Somewhere, there must still be a few mothballs that I need to be rid of, but where?

If anyone has a sniffer dog, I'm prepared to pay generous rates.

Wherever I lay my playstation...

I feel very bad indeed. For some reason, sleep escapes me. It could be the smell of mothballs, it could be the alignment of my bed against the magnetic fields of the Earth, or it could be the week I'm having generally, but a proper night's sleep has proved impossible. I sit here a broken man. Tonight I shall attempt to sleep again, and with luck, tomorrow there will be a new Matt in this seat - refreshed, vigorous and alive again. With luck.

Woke up this mornin'

Last night, Ben and Emma came round for dinner, and we chatted, having eschewed the TV and the Playstation. For some reason, I forget what, the White stripes track 'The Hardest Button To Button' came up in conversation, and I don't need more excuse than that to reach for the guitar. There followed about half an hour of blues, a bass lesson for Emma, and a discovery that I really miss playing music with other people. If anyone feels like making the journey out to Streatham for blues purposes, please let me know.... In the meantime I'll hunt for a jazz quartet gig on bass. Wish me luck.

More photos

See here for photos of my lovely new flat.

I'm in

All the furniture has been assembled, all of the boxes and crates have been unpacked, and the flat finally looks like home. I've just droppe dhte van back to work,a nd I'm going to go home now and enjoy some nice dinner and nice wine. Photos of the flat will probably be up tomorrow, with a specially requested photo of my adopted primrose.

Mmm, beer

Excellent beer, excellent company, and an excellent Turkish restaurant afterwards. All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Though my head is a little sore today.

I'm off to the pub

This evening I'm going for a nice drink here. I've been putting socialising on hold to some extent, with the last two Saturdays being spontaneous exceptions, and at least one evening of excess after work, and no one evening where we didn't drink something at Ben and Emma's. Actually, I suppose I've been socialising quite a lot... well, anyway, now I have somewhere to live, from Friday at least, I think I can let my hair down a little. Or a little more.

Tomorrow I'll be shifting stuff into an Abel & Cole van (they're the people I work for and they lent me a van for free,thus the blog-whoring) and then in the morning I'll be off to the new place, and, rather foolishly, Ikea.

When is it appropriate to say...

I've been feeling slightly ashamed recently. Much as I'm a fan of the late Pope, I can't quite get this out of my head. (Please don't click on the link if you are easily offended). And it was only a few hours after the Colombia shuttle crash that people were emailed to find out that N.A.S.A stood for 'Need Another Seven Astronauts'. And only a few days after 9/11 that my father emailed me to tell me about PanAm's new service that flies you straight to your office.

How long do we have to wait after something happens that we can make fun of it? And is it really disrespectful or is it all part of dealing with the tragedy?

Exciting developments over the weekend

Well, I found a new home, bought a Glastonbury ticket, and generally planned at least my immediate future. The Pope passing away put a bit of a dampener on things for me - he'll be a hard man to replace. But everything else was pretty rewarding. I'm now looking forward to Christmas.

And what's more...

We (the Royal We, in this case)'re not going to see the flat this evening, as it's David's birthday, so he has other plans. I, too, have sprouted other plans since this morning. Bea has insisted we all go to the pub this evening. But the flat is rescheduled for tomorrow morning, and if I make it and I like it, then I'm housed again, almost immediately! Hurrah!

Housewarming

I'm seeing this flat this evening, so I'll be able to say on Monday whether there will be a housewarming, and whether the flat is big enough for any of you to come.

Wherever next?

I'm moving house soon. But I don't know where! There's a nice place in Streatham (I didn't believe it at first, but I'm assured there is), and I'm looking on Friday. I'll keep you posted. There'll be a housewarming, but it's tiny, so it'll probably just be me. Photos will be available online of me drinking myself into a coma, on my own.

Ok, since Alec asked so nicely, I'll try

I'm currently staying with Ben and Emma, two good friends of mine. Ben I know from school, we were in a horrendous rock band together, which was, in fairness, an excuse for drinking and partying. Emma is Ben's fiancee, and one of the nicest people you're likely to meet. Both are enthusiastic rugby enthusiasts (I love tautology) and fanatical rock fans (ditto). We were watching Sky, channel 454 - Kerrang. Ben said to Emma 'I'm so pleased you like rugby and rock!'

When we went on the swamp tour, we took the bus back to the French Quarter, and Braunwin said 'We should get drunk tonight'. And we did, and we watched some excellent jazz (it may not have been excellent, as we were drunk), and had a great time.

I'm so pleased Braunwin likes drinking and jazz.

Today Brixton, tomorrow the world, the following day, um...

It's official - loungewalrus.co.uk has conquered the world! I've had hits from every continent, with the stats showing activity in the UK and Finland (oddly), Australia, Singapore (thanks Michelle), Brazil (thanks Mel), the US and Canada (including, frighteningly, a hit from the US Military) and Mauritius, spuriously linking the site to Africa. I'll be more satisfied when someone on the mainland reads my site, but I'm just pleased to have covered all the contintents (though I bet you've all managed this ages ago). If anyone happens to be kicking around on Antartica, I'd be very grateful if they'd look me up!

Beware of the gator

And the swamp tour! How could I forget the swamp tour... We were herded into a boat and driven round one of Louisiana's most famous swamps. We even saw a gator! It was around 3ft long, and generally tiny, and can be seen in this photo, next to an emormous rat (a Nutria, apparently). There was a tree there, I forget what sort, but their roots grow out of the water again, and look like stalagmites, and they hollow out and generally look spooky. Apparently this particular tree was the one that they dumped Tom Cruise's body by, in Interview with the Vampire, and also an old trading post for Moonshine (so called because the night was when they moved it around).

Then they gave me a turkey neck to eat. It looked distinctly like a proverbial appendage on a horse, but considering the alternative was hot dogs, I went with the meat that looked like horse cock but wasn't, rather than the opposite.

My mother, on the other hand, wasn't a tailor...

... and Asda sewed my new blue jeans, to my shame. And we didn't find the house of the rising sun, but we did find Lil Dizzy's Cafe on the corner of North Robertson and Esplanade Avenue. It's a great place for breakfast, a fantastic place for lunch, and the best place in New Orleans for Sunday Brunch. And the owner was so helpful, he even drove us to the local church when we asked where one was! It had only been open three weeks, but we went a total of four times during a week in the city.

On one occasion, a lady asked after my HSBC satchel, saying 'High School Baptist Church?' to which I replied 'No, it's a bank, Hong Kong Singapore Banking Corporation' (is that right?). 'She turned to her friend and said 'HE says it's some Hong Kong Singapore or something.' Glad I was spreading the word...

No such thing as a free pudding...

On the Sunday night, we arrived just before the doors closed at the Alexandria, on Rochester's Main St. We were welcomed, given some wine (which I passed as ok, but which was terribly corked: but the waitress looked terribly upset anyway, and I didn't want to cause a fuss) and some pitta, and ordered what was essentially an enormous glorified kebab. And it was delicious. Then we stayed for coffee, and during coffee, the nice lady brought us a free dessert! That was delicious too. All in all, an excellent meal, and almost made up for the occasion, which was my last meal with Braunwin until she comes to London.

It was a vast improvement on the previous meal, which was at a Hard Rock Cafe in the town of Niagara Falls. Not awful, per se, but generic. Good nachos though.

Paying for one seat, getting .75

I haven't told any interesting stories about my holiday yet. I'm going to rely on jogging of memory from Braunwin a little, but the first one happened after I had left, so Braunwin wasn't there. I arrived at check-in and noticed I had the option of changing my seat. So I did, to one that had an empty seat next to it (at the time of changing...). I was quite pleased when I arrived on the plane and discovered the seat was still empty. I sat down for about 10m,the seat was still empty. Then, after a small child had made a welcome announcement - "Welcome to jetblue. We're glad to have you. (mutter in the background) Thankyou for flying JetBoo" - the largest man I have ever seen lumbered down the aircraft. I feared the worst. I was right to do so. I spent the rest of the flight with my left arm on my right side, looking out of the window, in an attempt to suggest that I didn't mind being pressed against the side of the plane. I was on the verge of asking him for $20 for the proportion of my seat that he had used, but in the long run, I felt the damage to the image of my country that would cause was probably worth more than the damage I'd save to my wallet. Or possibly the damage I'd cause to my face....

All gone to look for America

I found it, it's about 3300 off the coast of Ireland. It's got some pretty interesting stuff on it too - I took photos of some of the best bits. See this page for details. It's not good to be back per se, but it's a relief to have found that everything is still working here at work.

Next trip in August perhaps?

PS: Incidentally, I've linked to this page for people to let me know what they think of the photos. If the comments below, should any appear, make no sense, that's probably why

Won't you come along with me.....

... I love that Basin St Blues song.

A while ago I sent a description of my typical working day to Braunwin, and, as I won't be having a typical working day for a week or two now, I thought I'd share it, so next time I'm here I can smile and think about all the things I'm missing. I've edited it a little though, especially the stuff directly between 9 and 6.

I'll be in the US until 16th. Watch this space if you find that even remotely interesting.

---

7am - wake up, pretend I don't have to get up for 30m.
7.30am - stop kidding myself and get the hell out of bed
7.40am - leave house
7.49am - catch the 7.47 to Highbury & Islington, and change for Kings Cross
8.16am - depart Kings Cross, cursing the name of Thameslink for their platform antics and general inability to run a train service.
8.40am - e-mail, stick some token post on blogger
9am - take off coat so it looks to the other people in my office like I'm working

(I have deleted the bit about work, as it may be taken seriously, which would result in me being fired.)

6pm - leave on the last toll of 6, catch train at 18.17 (usually about 5m late, curse you Thameslink!) then take the Victoria line back to Highbury & Islington, and walk home from there in a vague nod to the notion of exercise.
7pm - get home, cook food or wait for food to be cooked, settle in front of TV with large glass of something or other. Usually red something or other.
9pm - notice I'm tired, but realise that going to bed will mean I'll miss the end of a fascinating documentary on Marmots, or possibly an episode of Friends.
10pm - Switch on Playstation, play until 11pm
11pm - think "oh, well I've got 8 hours, I'll be fine
1am - finally get to sleep
3.20am - wake up for no reason
6.30am - finally give up the attempt to get a decent nights sleep

Not to mention...

This morning the driver said "Please make all available use of space". I'm not noted for being a pedant (really, I'm not) but the limits to this are only on the imagination. Laurence Lywellyn-Bowen makers all available use of space. Any possible use of the space is 'available' - you could use the tube carriage as a wardrobe, you could use it as an archery range (that would be fun) or fill it with jelly and use it as an alternative swimming pool.

Much to my disappointment, on this instruction the people around me continued to use the space in the same way they had been doing.

Two and a half years....

In two weeks I will have lived in that nice maisonette in dlaston for a total of 30 months - Two and a half years.

I've never lived anywhere as long, except for the house in Corby Glen where my parents still reside. And, also in two weeks, Chris willing, I shall be moving out. And, in two weeks I shall be flying to America. (sigh).

A week is a long time in politics. Clearly politics is twice as interesting as my life.

"Please keep all your personal belongings with you at all times"

No. Among my personal belongings are:

A bass amp, weighing around 25kg
2 bass guitars, one electric guitar and one acoustic guitar
A television
A blender
A chest of drawers
An uplighter
Enough cheap, mediocre clothing to fill two large suitcases
A computer and monitor
4 four-way mains extension leads
5 houseplants
Around 30kg of books
Around 15kg of CDs
A box full of bank statements and other 'important documents' weighing in at around 10kg

All in all, my personal belongings would fill around half a Victoria Line tube carriage. Keeping them all with me would cause a major delay, particularly while changing trains.

With that in mind, I have also chosen to ignore the other announcements on the Victoria line, among them the invitation to "Mind the doors" (the doors can look after themselves), and to "Please allow passengers off the train first" (late at night it can take a long time to find a carriage with someone getting off it, so that I can get on again). I also now allow myself to ride escalators without carrying a dog.

Drinking too much tequila

My advice for the day: when attending a mexican themed party, make sure you eat something before you arrive. And don't finish a third of a bottle of tequila on the way.

Yes, it was

My fingers hurt. But I feel like I achieved something.

Are you sure this is wise?

Last night I spent an hour ripping frets out of the neck of my old bass. I want a fretless! Today I have called a nice company in sussex who are going to send me everything I need to complete the project, for around £10. Now all I need is a set of flatwound strings, so as not to tear up the fretboard (which is past its best as it is).

The weekend is going to be full of DIY, either that or next weekend will. It's all good fun.

Read a book

Last night in The Cardinal in Victoria, I overheard a conversation fromt he table next to me, where a young man was proudly announcing how reading was boring and how films are so much easier and so much more fun.

When I was in Rochester, Braunwin gave me a book to read by a famous violin teacher. In it, Suzuki (the violin teacher in question) said that parents who complain 'My child will not learn, he/she will not concentrate' are announcing to the world how badly they have brought up their child. I'm not a parent, so I wouldn't want to judge, but I am a reader of book s and a watcher of films. It struck me that the young man next to me was announcing to the world 'I have no imagination and no patience'.

In his defence, he said 'But you can use your imagination in films, you can make up stuff that's going on outside them, you can imagine what the characters did next'. If one person posts an interesting description of what happened next in one of their favourite films, something that they came up with at the time, and that involved some sort of creative leap on their part rather than just what everyone else in the cinema went home thinking too, then I will retract my assertion that the man was an idiot. Possibly.

Breaking news!

Shockingly, there has been a complete breakdown in good taste on this website. Quite aside from that page, I also have an orange banner I'm planning on using in the near future.

Well, obviously, I suppose...

As a result of having posted about it, I'm now first on the google list for that phrase I was talking about. See here for more details.

Happy face!

I'm not posting a lot at the moment. This is largely because I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm in that wallowy period in a long-distance relationship where I'm just near enough to seeing my beloved to know it's not far away, and just far enough to be fed up that it isn't nearer. Still, every day, it is. And feeling sorry for yourself makes terrible reading if you're a boy (though maybe this is entertaining for the female reader? Answers on a postcard).

But this evening I fence again. And as far as I can tell, this week people will get to hit me. LAst week I got to hit someone, and the week before I didn't even hold a sword, so there's a logical progression. By next week, it'll be kill or be killed, so enjoy the miserable posts while they last!

And this weekend I entertained my parents. By which, I mean I sat them in front of the TV and we chatted and ate chicken. Chickens are important, they're what bring people together. But not for long as my parents are in Egypt now. I'm hoping they'll look up my site, that's the only continent save Antartica that I've never had hits from.

Next weekend there is talk of a Mexican themed party. So far I haven't shaved for a week and a half. I realise this is a horrendous social stereotype, but the Mexicans always had stubbly visages in the westerns - if it's any defence against accusations of racism, I've never met a Mexican I didn't like. There is a reason for that, and it escapes me. But if I was going to an English themed party I'd take tea and a bowler hat, so I hope I'm not offending. Or at least offending equally.

Right.

Typecast

I just found out someone arrived at my site by searching for 'poorly informed walrus'. I'm the second most poorly informed walrus on the net, according to google. That hurts.

Engine trouble

As predicted, I didn't run.

Cruise control

Yesterday I drove a car with cruise control. It was fun. The previous day I said I would have something interesting to say on my blog today. I lied.

But more on the party at the weekend. We drank a great deal, we were up until (generally) somewhere between 2 and 6am, we chatted a lot about lots of things, much of which would have been forgotten by the next day, and I know for a fact I insulted at least one person. Sorry, Sam.

And exercise. On Sunday I ran. On Monday I fenced. Yesterday I packed boxes all day. That means strictly speaking, I should go for a run again this evening, just to keep it up. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets! My money's on 'over my dead body', though literally, this will be difficult to achieve.

Note: Please comment to say if this blog is getting into mundane details of my life, and I'll try to spice it up a bit.

Fun

Too busy - just need to say the party at the weekend was great fun. And I ran last night, a couple of miles apparently. I hope to do it again soon.

More on Wednesday when there'll be time to write something worthwhile...

Don't say it! Don't say it!

This is not a reference to President Bush's speech, though a quick mention might have been nice. Having said that, even if he had, little consolation, more of the same to come etc....

It is instead an attempt to avoid mentioning myself and the fact that I'm 25 today.

Damn, that didn't work at all.

Anyway. I am. And I don't feel odd about it. And the only worry I have is that every year it's going to get harder and harder to remember to add one to the age I give when people ask. And it's a great excuse for a party (tomorrow, our house, try to get there between 8-9pm, call for directions).

So there.

Mice lead fight against cancer and alcoholism

In this article, mice are shown to have reduced risk of cancer if they drink non-alcoholic beer. The wonderful thing about that is the part humans play in it. If we hadn't come along, how would mice ever have come across non-alcoholic beer?

Red sky in the morning is as good as the river!

Well, I did it. See proverbs.htm for a random proverb generator. And expect improvements and subtleties at a later date, when I have some free time (I work you know, much as it seems otherwise). Currently it has a possible 27,000 combinations, many of which are pretty poor, but some of which are a bit of a giggle.

Giving it some NHS

This morning as I crossed the yard, I saw this on the side of a van.



Those of you from the Lincolnshire area may, or may not appreciate this. I did. It brought back happy memories of phone difficulties at New Year, and general requesting. Maybe I'm just getting too reflective, with the quarter-century coming up. I apologise to anyone who is disgusted by the idea of someone about to be 25 feeling that they're getting old. It is pretty disgusting, there's life in me yet!

Eavis takes 12 month break

So, in accordance with that which was foretold by Eavis, Michael Eavis will be taking a break for the duration of 2006. This year's Glastonbury will leave us with two years to wait for the next one. Rumours of Kylie, Outkast and Status Quo taking to the stage suggest that maybe the breakis coming a year too late.

The tickets for this year's festival are on sale from Sunday 3rd April. I personally will be waiting until the Monday morning to buy mine, so I don't get caught in the rush. I would advise everyone, (that's right, everyone,) to do the same thing. And I can't guarantee I won't change my mind on the 3rd.

In other news, Iran has "rapidly produced equipment that has resulted in the greatest deterrent", so isn't expecting to be attacked. I think the US may be tempted to call its bluff if they are intent on attacking anyway. The worst case scenario during a nuclear war is that we all die. The best is that some of us make it underground first, and live out our days in a network of tunnels. So, who knows? Maybe there won't be a Glastonbury in 2007 either...

The Iran Disaster Appeal

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4180087.stm

I encourage all readers to make a donation to the Iranian people. Pension planners tell me, the sooner you put money away, the more work it can do for you by the time you need it. And judging from this article, they're going to need it sooner or later.

Furthermore, judging from the alphabetical pattern I have spotted, people in India, Indonesia and Iceland should be putting a little aside too. I think we should be safe, as UK is one step after USA in reverse alphabetical order, and hopefully he'll be too confused at the prospect of simultaneously invading the world's largest economy while defending the country from the world's largest military force to think about taking the UK afterwards. Fingers crossed.

Hijacked!

On Saturday, my good friends Ben and Emma hijacked a party, for the second time in 6 months, not satisfied with stealing my circle line pub crawl for Emma's birthday. They organised a birthday party for 6 of their friends, of which I was one. I thought this might have been a gesture, something to redress the balance, but it turns out I was just being lulled into a false sense of security. No sooner had they built me up than they knocked me down again, when at about 11pm, Ben announced that he and Emma had become engaged over the New Year. All I was doing was getting a year older. How can I compete with that?

Ok, please leave sarcastic tone here, cause I mean the next bit entirely sincerely, and it would be easy to think otherwise without this sentence as a spacer.

Congratulations to the future Mr & Mrs Everitt, I can't think of two people who deserve each other more. I wish you every good fortune for the future. (And I'm not just saying this to curry favour so I can use your spare room for a few weeks).

Shopping

Tomorrow I'm going shopping. I always hated shopping, but I'm getting quite used to it now. I plan on buying all sorts of fun things, but it really depends what shops Liz wants to go to.

The dollar is going up again, which is rather upsetting. I was enjoying getting two dollars to the pound and going to America and Buying Everything. By March, it might be just as cheap to buy things in London. Curse America's stranglehold on its own economy.

Freedom for Lincolnshire

What if Lincolnshire were to declare independence? What if we had our own economy, and the outside world relied on us for food? Would we be admitted to the EU? Could we run an embassy in London, Paris, New York and so on?

In the end, Chris and I decided Lincolnshire would be too difficult to defend from a military point of view.

On an unrelated matter, this summer I was wondering if anyone would like to take a short holiday on the Isle of Wight. Bring digital cameras, maps and pens.

Tearing animals to pieces

Yesterday, a colleague kindly gave me two pheasants. I promptly took them home, skinned them and cut off the breasts and legs. For some reason I'm fascinated by where meat actually comes from, and there's a certain sense of pride in being able to take something animal shaped and turn it into food. Rob and Chris holed up in the living room 'til the smell was gone - Rob has seen me do this before, and in fairness, Chris did venture into the kitchen for a short while, just to see.

I left the stripped carcasses in a bin across the road from our flat, as an offering to the local fox. By this morning the bin had been emptied. I hope the fox got there first.

Further to the below

I found this answer to the same question, from someone in Richmond, VA:

C'mon, folks, Jesus would have driven a Japanese automobile. Why, after all, isn't it written in Scripture that Jesus and his disciples "were all of one Accord"?

What would Jesus drive?

Yesterday I watched a documentary (or at least, a programme. It was as much a documentary as Bowling for Columbine (though I agree with the sentiment of both, I don't like the methods), it was more of an hour-length rant (too many parentheses do you think?)) on the environmental effects of large uneconomical vehicles. I am of the opinion that Jesus would have walked. I mean, as far as I remember, the Messiah's foot was an all terrain vehicle, even handling water on one memorable occasion. But there were 12 guys with him a lot of the time. The SUV Owner's Club guy suggested Jesus would have had a huge car for that reason. I think he probably would have needed a minibus, cause SUVs don't seat that many. And if he'd lived in London, he'd probably just take the tube, though he'd be the only one not cursing every time there was a problem with the Northern Line.

Have at ye!

This morning I sent off my cheque for a beginner's fencing course. I'll be improving my swordplay every Monday evening from next week, for 6 weeks. Having watched The Fellowship of the Ring (Extended version) yesterday, I can see just how useful being able to use a sword could be. One day, it may even save the world...

Really? Well, thanks for your advice.

Yesterday, my train to work was pulling into the platform and I was stood by the door. This carries privilege and responsibility. Privilege, because you're the first person who gets to get off the train. Responsibility because you're in charge of opening the doors. This is responsibility I am used to, though. I pushed the 'Open' button down, waiting for the driver to release the doors, as the train stopped.

Then someone behind me, absent-mindedly or nervously perhaps, muttered 'Push'.

This bit me. It wounded me. All the air went from my lungs momentarily, and inside at least, I bent double. I cannot think of anyone I know, except my youngest cousins, Noah and (Damn, can't remember, only met him once but he's a mere 7 months old, so the point stands - Sorry, Neil and Sam) who needs instructions on how to use buttons. I found myself saying, as audibly as was possible 'Well, it's a good thing you told me', once the driver released the doors and they openend instantly.

Incidentally, a google search for "How to push a button" turns up a lot of people saying how some people don't even know how to push a button, but no instructions from which such people can learn. I guess if you have to ask, then you'll never really know.

Back to work

I'm back in the office, full of happy memories and happy memory-lapses from the last three weeks. Work is going smoothly now, though things are going to be hard work for the next few weeks once everything gets going again. I'm also trying to sneak some photos online from the trip. Watch the usual places.

I also had an idea for a random generator of proverbs - such as 'Needs must when cooks spoil the broth' or 'Many hands make Jack save nine', or 'Don't poke the crocodiles when the tough get out of the kitchen'. Paul, Michelle, Kirsty, anyone with technical knowledge, how easy would this be to do?

I miss the sandwiches. I miss the cheap clothes, the free-flowing traffic, the lack of rain, the cheap beer, the enormous cars. But I miss the sandwiches second-most of all.